


Dickshark vs Killer Condom

by poD7et



Category: Supernatural
Genre: I Don't Even Know, I'm tired, M/M, dickshark, killer condom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 02:56:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8311192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poD7et/pseuds/poD7et
Summary: Okay, so maybe was feeling a bit . . . inferior.Not that he was inferior. He didn’t have a single complaint from the ladies . . . or the fellows.And maybe he should’ve laid of those last . . . five . . . shots of whiskey.And maybe his binge marathon of those Sharknado movies may have also been a mistake.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to include a battle, but it didn't happen. I may have fell asleep several times while writing. Uhhh . . . Maybe I'll come back to this one day and edit and add more.

Okay, so maybe was feeling a bit . . . inferior.

Not that he was inferior. He didn’t have a single complaint from the ladies . . . or the fellows.

And maybe he should’ve laid of those last . . . five . . . shots of whiskey.

And maybe his binge marathon of those Sharknado movies may have also been a mistake.

At least that was what Dean thought as his dickshark nibbled on a thumb that lazily teased it over the head-- well, at least what used to be the head of his cock. Right now it was lined with too many teeth.

And all while Cas was in bed, half-naked, and begging for Dean.

* * *

 

“While I’m glad your testicles have finally descended, Sammy, I jus--”

“It’s Sam,” Sam interrupted in what was probably just a knee jerk reaction.

“ _Samantha_ ,” Dean said, staring straight at his brother. He didn’t get why Sam had such a thing against Sammy. He grew up being called Sammy. He _was_ Sammy. Classic little brother move. Grow the fuck up.

Sam glowered.

“Samantha,” Dean continued, “are you sure this is a case, or did you just “accidentally” mix up Dad’s journal with _Busty Asian Babes_ again?

“Dean, c’mon man. I’m being serious,” Sam replied with his best puppy dog face.

Fortunately for Dean and unfortunately for Sam, Dean was immune.

Sam remained unfazed.

“I’m being fucking serious here too,” Dean grumped, not entirely able to keep the whining out of his voice. “Natural male enhancement that turns a man junk into a shark? That’s out there . . . even for us.”

“I don’t think so,” Sam argued, bringing out the college boy accent.

“And therein lies the problem,” Dean responded.

* * *

 

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this . . . this . . . den of iniquity!” Dean exclaimed while checking out the merchandise.

Castiel said nothing. He just stared at Dean like a confused puppy.

“Den of iniquity?” Sam asked. “Do you even know what that means?”

“Yes,” Dean answered without giving any further detail.

Sam smirked. “I would’ve thought you’d feel right at home: booze, beer, and barely legal teens.”

Dean bitchfaced at Sam harder than he had ever bitchfaced before. It was clear now to Cas and anyone in close range where Sam got his bitchface from.

“I came for tits, and all I see are testes,” Dean snapped. “This is so _not_ what I was signed up for when you said nudie bar.”

“I hope I’m not interrupting, but I couldn’t help but notice that this man was harassing you,” said a strong and strapping lad. One of the entertainers.

“No, he’s just-- I-- uhh--” Dean stammered.

“If you’ve had enough, just follow me cowboy,” he said as he sashayed away.

Sam shot Dean a very pointed look.

“If you’re so desperate to know, why don’t you follow him?” Dean whispered harshly.

Sam didn’t waver.

Dean rolled his eyes and followed the dancer into the back.

* * *

 

And that’s when he saw it. The biggest cock he had ever seen. Dean gaped. He had trouble remembering to close his mouth.

“So what can I do for you, tiger?”

Dean just stared, slack-jawed.

The other man just chucked somewhere deep in the back of his throat.

“Impressed?”

Dean still didn’t answer.

“I’ll take your speechlessness as a ‘yes.’”

Dean nodded.

“Ready to talk terms?”

 _Terms?_ Dean thought. _What terms?_

“Let’s start simple: flavored or unflavored?”

“Hold up there, rescue ranger. I’m not here to get wet and wild with you,” Dean said, reaching into his breast pocket. “Agent Boner . . . I mean Bono,” Dean said completely overcompensating for his error.

The worker suppressed a chuckle.

“Right. Anyway, Agent Boner,”

“It’s agent,” Dean said gearing up for either one hell of a fight or some kinky sex.

And that’s when they heard the scream.

* * *

 

Dean ran toward the scream while everyone else fled. Everyone that is except for his moose of a brother and Cas.

When they got there, there were two men on the floor and one sitting in a pool of what looked like his own blood.

“What happened here, gentlemen?” Sam asked.

Neither spoke.

“Well, if you don’t want to tell me, I guess I should call the local precinct and let them know to make way. You two are now evidence,” Dean added.

“Hold on now,” the bloodless man said, looking at his partner for permission to proceed.

“Why should we . . .”

“I said hold on,” he repeated. “I’m working for another forty five minutes. I'll tell you when I’m off shift.”

“We’ll be here, Dean grumped.

And that’s when Dean saw it. Well, he’d never admit it, but Sammy saw it first.

There was something that looked like a used condom slinking across the floor. And after another ear piercing scream, there were two men instead of one lying in pools of their own blood, incapacitated on the floor.

* * *

 

Sam and Dean went from whorehouse to whorehouse and the stories were all the same. A killer condom was biting off men’s dicks. Sometimes fatally. Yet Dean and Sam always made it out in tact. It was like the thing wasn’t even interested in them. Why?

“Hey I’ve seen this before,” Sam said investigating the aftermath of yet another de-cocking.

“Of course. No matter the theme, you always need the same tools for fucking: lube and condoms. Everything else is a bonus.” Dean said rolling his eyes.

Sam cocked an eyebrow. “But I get the feeling this isn’t lube,” Sam said grabbing a tube of the stuff. He unscrewed the cap and squeezed a bit out on the table.

“Definitely not lube,” Dean agreed.

* * *

 

It wasn’t long before Dean found out the word on the street. It was some sort of natural male enhancement. And it wasn’t his fault if, like the Viagara, a tube of it made it’s way into his pocket.

Dean was alone in his room. He fiddled with the tube and finally squeezed some onto his fingers. He massaged it in his hand. He didn’t die. And it didn’t seem to summon any killer condoms.

He stared at his cock and reevaluated every life decision that he had made that brought him to this point.

The stuff tingled and felt warm as Dean massaged his cock. He was just starting to fall into a rhythm when he squeezed the head. And just like clay, he smushed his penis. After the initial panic, Dean realized it didn’t hurt. Not even when he was desperately trying to reshape his cock into something remotely phallic shaped.

. . . what the fuck?

He found he could mold his cock however he wanted. And that Sharknado marathon gave him some strange ideas.

* * *

 

Dean stroked his dick shark to perfection. He came on his hand and then passed out dreaming that his come had become a new dickshark that slithered off in search of a whatever it is that dick sharks want.

The next morning Dean said hello to little Dean. Thankfully it was just a dream? His dick was still very much so dick shaped. But that’s when he saw it out of the corner of his eye. A used looking condom filled with too many teeth.

Dean’s survival instinct switched on quickly. He grabbed little Dean as well as a gun and waved it menacingly at the condom.

The condom didn’t back down. It probably couldn’t even see or hear. But what it could do was make a beeline for Dean’s nether regions. Dean shot the thing and then flushed it.

Sam and Cas came running into the room, their faces filled with concern.

“Don’t worry, I killed the thing,” Dean said trying to usher the pair out of the room, forgetting that he was completely naked.

“Killed what thing?” Cas asked.

“The killer condom.”

“The killer . . . what?” Cas exclaimed.

“Dean, you’re delirious. You haven’t slept in weeks. Just take a break,” Sammy offered.

“I know what I saw!” Dean shouted.

That’s when the was a gurgling from the bathroom. The condom had emerged from the toilet. This thing is invincible. But fortunately Sam was thinking ahead, and brought an indestructible, magic box with him to seal up the condom.

After a short struggle Sam and Dean were successful in capturing the thing without getting their cocks bit off. Although, it only seemed to be attacking Dean.

“But it doesn’t make any sense, Dean,” Sam appealed. “I found a link between the cream and the condom. The condom seemed unbearably attracted to the targets that used the stuff.

Dean laughed nervously, “Yeah, it doesn’t seem to fit the MO. I guess he was just having an off day.”

Now it was Sam’s turn to bitchface at Dean. Then something clicked and Sam raised an eyebrow in silent judgement. “Dean you didn’t . . .”

“Didn’t what?” Dean said with every ounce of dignity he had left.

“I’m afraid I have some research to do. Why don’t I leave you two love birds figure that out."

* * *

 

Cas still didn’t get it, but Dean knew exactly what was happening

And he fully intended, too. A good cop can’t let his personal bias get in the way of something as important as dicksharks. But for now he’d catch up with his _Sharknado_ collection and Cas. Mostly definitely catch up with Cas.

They fucked and when they were done, Dean tossed the used condom in the trash.

* * *

 

Later that night . . .

Cas was back in his room when he saw a little clay shark slither down the side of his bed. He picked it up and stroked it gently. It regurgitated a little bit. Cas cleaned it up with a tissue and flushed it down the toilet, then went to bed. 

While Cas was asleep, the little come bits left scraped themselves together and made a small bee. The bee and the shark were happy to be together.

But that's when it happened.

A condom filled with Cas and Dean's DNA can slithering into the room. It had too many teeth. And a desire to kill . . .

**Author's Note:**

> A coldest hits. I chose the movies Dickshark and Killer Condom.


End file.
